restricted isolation

i'm in restricted isolation. i'm not supposed to be here.

_the brain that changes itself_

karen bought me the brain that changes itself by norman doidge, m.d.. i'm on page 83.

faith

"'Faith isn't an act of intelligence, it's an act of imagination. '"
--Mary Magdalene, Lamb, p. 394.

can't add open source

this is a proprietary windows system, and a locked down pubic terminal; i can't add any open source software :( .

got moved, got dislocated

i'm in the East now. we're under an outbreak, and i'm not supposed to be here, but i gotta stay up-to-date or go crazy.

feeling more on top of things...

...right now.

feeling stoned

i saw 'jerry maguire' several years ago, and i thought it was a pretty crazy movie. i was stoned, then. i feel stoned, now, though it's been years since i've had anything.

p&j visit

p&j came to visit. we went out to the healing garden, then up to my room to trim my fingernails with the scissors.

julie brought me books

julie brought me books: tom robbins' skinny legs and all, and christopher moore's lamb: the gospel according to biff, jesus' childhood pal.

existentialist thinking

what is the latest development in existentialist theology? is it purely a matter of faith? does faith lead one to other non-existentialist questions?

red saucer posts

i figger my longer rambles deserve their own mis-space

emerging theology

emerging theology purports to encompass left and right, but the extremists won't be happy. am i an extremist?

insanity contained, almost!

this morning, still in bed, i thought i had a grip on this. then my roommate started on the phone, and i lost the centre of my being. it's as if i can contain it within myself i'm okay, but if i have to account for others, it's beyond me. nothing like sleep deprivation to screw me up!

rough day

• the music group was not very good, but it was outside and sunny
• we're in isolation again, but it made me think
• did drw ever recover?
• what of it?if he did, will i find his answer, and will i like it?
• if he didn't, does that mean i won't?
• faith may be the only thing that saves me, tho' perhaps not in this world....
• are there any indications? signs? am i truly, permanently, deeply mad?

i think i see a pattern....

another crack in the reality wall

by the time i get here, i forget the all-impotant whatever that i was going to blog about!

this time it had to do with another crack in the reality wall--a wall that contains me, but beyond which i can see.

i didn't blog yesterday cuz i moved next door. i'm in room 153.

if left alone long enough, i'll go places inside of me i shouldn't! 'don't go in there alone!' i was warned, but what are my choices?

actually, i've been doing really well this morning knowing where reality is on the compass. it's been these last few encounters which are really upsetting. but only cuz i let them. i can expect them, which means i can prepare for them, or i learn to laugh at them.

maybe there wasn't enough laughter in our house.

questions

"But the distinguishing marks of the movement remain smallness, decentralization, personal responsibility, the personal response to persons in need in direct encounter and a search for answers to the questions that arise from that meeting: Why are there so many poor and abandoned? What is honest work? What is due workers and the unemployed? What is the relationship between political, social and economic democracy, and between these and the common good? Just where are we, where do we want to be and how can we get there? What of means and end? What does it mean to follow Jesus Christ today?

"Catholic Workers attempt to alleviate the sufferings of the poor by adopting lives of voluntary poverty in order to be free for direct, personal involvement, not so much dispensing charity as sharing in the lives of others. Voluntary poverty also frees us to respond to militarism, exploitation and racism...."

http://www.catholicworker.org/historytext.cfm?Number=4

productive week

i've had very productive week, and i don't want to forget it. not only have i kept up with my posts (such as this one), i've attempted the old and started the new (such as smarting the goals for the week)

'everyone's important'

ruth says focus on today's successes, and don't worry about tomorrow; let tomorrow take care of itself; people are important; nuff said.

many people don't know they own the internet

it's paid for by our tax dollars. we own it as much as we own the highways. don't let anyone tell you different.

the big picture

want to see the world the way david suzuki sees it? try his new book, the big picture

This Is Spinal Tap

watched a bit of mock-rock history; saw a bit of This Is Spinal Tap. now i wanna see the whole thing again.

faith

that's why it's called faith. and not something else. because if we listened to external advice, such as what button to click, it wouldn't be faith. it would be something like, 'stop, look, and listen...'

if we knew the answer in advance (even kind-of), would it still be faith?

world oceans' day

http://www.theoceanproject.org/wod/ and http://www.canada.com/Technology/Voyage+centre+Plastic+Vortex/1628237/story.html --- actually, 'world' and 'ocean' is redundant, and 'oceans' plural is meaningless. but it's good read, nonetheless.

plastic rafts

this is disgusting!
http://www.canada.com/Technology/Voyage+centre+Plastic+Vortex/1628237/story.html

i still feel foggy

i still feel foggy. after all these months, after resting all day, i till feel foggy.

to brock and back

i wheeled to brock, to the library's learning commons. the librarian told me that the closest wheelchair-accessible bathoom is on the fifth floor. so i headed there and used it. on the way back, i couldn't get up the merrittville highway median and a woman came to my rescue. she pushed me over the median and back to the shaver.

weak theology defined

'Weak theology emphasizes the responsibility of humans to act in this world here and now. Because God is thought of as weak and as a call, weak theology places an emphasis on the "weak" human virtues of forgiveness, hospitality, openness, and receptivity.'
see Non-dogmatic theology (also known as Weak theology) on wikipedia

'...is a school of thought within continental philosophical theology '

weak theology cloud

secular religion?

caputo's book

weak theology and bullshit!

i can't remember from before lunch what i was going to email about. so i'll just ramble....

while downstairs i got to feeling pretty good, and i thought to myself, self, this is feeling pretty good, don't lose it. is this the continual joy [cj] that the enlightened experience? do they really experience cj? how do they accommodate other, seeming contary, feelings? what makes them enlightened? am i on the path to enightement, or am i [way] off track? is this question unbecoming of a enightened novitiate? does it really matter? and now i am thinking about weak theology and its relationship to gravity.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weak_theology
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L._Ron_Hubbard--which appears to have been taken over by Anonymous, another internet-based group associated with the Church of the SubGenius.

and thing get extreme after that, including:

the fsm
richard dawkins and out!--a pro-agnostic site
pen and teller--but different than what i assumed about the successful vegas act
bullshit!--a p&t show about false things

insanity revisited

i can't keep up with the internet. by admitting the insanity of it, however, i don't stop it. i just have to roll with it. but because i know this is insane, does this make me more or less insane? does it really matter?

insanity redux

listening to harold mumble incoherently, but he's obviously upset at something. what does it matter to me? what does any of this matter? i moved down the hall, but has anything really changed?

'is this the real life/or is this just fantasty?/caught in a landslide/no escape from reality/open your eyes/look up to the skies/and see'--so begins 'a bohemian rhapsody' by queen.

i admit i'm caught--if my brain is doing all of this, or at least covering the exits--i can't tell the difference between reality and stuff i make up. i've made up stuff before: at the western; day after day;

like now, it seems interminable. the calendar seems different, but it doesn't seem to change the final outcome.

tim's...and beyond!

the rec group goes to tim's. i get dressed in my docs, hat, and gloves, and get pushed by laurie. with the sidewalk cracks, it's a very bumpy ride. i have a small iced cap and make small talk.

i had just finished signing the anullment papers. also, 11 of us moved; jim and i are in room 154, still in isolation. i should get an email tomorrow regarding the abi program in hamilton. also, bonnie is in touch with dr. davis of the st. catharines bicr (brain injury community re-entry) program regarding counseling--but no drugs. she is trying to speed up the normal lead time of 6-8 months; i hope to hear something this summer.

lucky to be alive

i'm very lucky to be alive, and even more so to tell you about it. i coulda died so many times (and i will die one of these days) but rumours of my death are greatly exaggerated. stay tuned, and i'll tell ya about it.

today, i think i'm starting to get my memory back. i can dimly remember going to the bathroom back in february or march, before all this started. this is really important, this focus on body-function.

paranoia

i battle paranoia for much of the day--the feeling that something isn't going to happen or somebody isn't going to come through. it negatively affects my behviour, making me think this isn't real, and then i do things like try to walk without any supports, or deny this is really happening,

god is....

...ineffable, and beyond the bounds of space and time. i take a leap of faith and establish a relationship with god.

lack of knowledge leads to bogus internet?

sometimes i seem to make up things, rather than admit a dead-end on the info-hiway, or my lack. i seem more prone to making things up in the morning and afternoon. by the evening i seem to have settled down.

false idols

this is inescapble
the glory of the internet is that it is ubiquitous
no matter where i am, there it is

decisions

it's a tricky thing--as with everything it seems--knowing when to do something, and when to refrain. like deciding something for my future--i can remember that i used to do it all the time, often without thinking. now it takes concentrated effort. the alternative is not to do it at all.


similary, undoing or doing up my pants when i go to the bathroom. do i do the hardest part myself or do i ask for help? do i keep asking for help 'til i die? have i become that dependant? already? or is this vacillation part of the progress of the disease? will i come through? should i just relax, and it will happen anyway?

the system

this 'system' is all-encompassing. for all i know, it may include these emails. or i might be the only one that is crazy and the system extends as far as i see. what do i do? know reality, says plato's allegory of the cave. know thyself, says socrates. be still, and know that i am god, says the famous poster. an existential approach (paul tillich; john shelby spong) posits that faith alone determines my relationship to the divine. two nights ago i was worried that like the buddhist holyman, i had to have everything sewn up at the moment of death, but now i'm not so sure. otoh, if we're caught forever in our dreams at the moment of death, it woud be good to have a good dream. but is that any better than a lousy reality? are dreams just as real? do i get brownie points for thinking like this?

[later]
this makes less sense the longer i'm here. maybe i see more and pay attention more to things that have less to do with me, and in this way they make less sense. this adds to my feeling of unreality. real or unreal, how can i tell? either way, where does this paranoia come from, that someone is out to prevent me from disovering the truth. is it paranoia, or is it for my own good?

insanity--all of it

i think i'm insane. this is a relative term, so i think i'm insane compared to the relative sanity of society. of course, i think society is crazed, and i no longer want anything to do with it. society includes you. so why do i bother? first, it's the proper procedure to let my psychologist know where i'm at. second, it's therapeutic for me to write about it. third, i have a dim hope that you can help me. fourth, if no one can help me, this is my way of thumbing my nose at the world. fifth, this is my response to being in rehab for 10 months. paradoxically, my explanations of my insanity hopefully will make my actions seem less insane.

a difficulty in being insane, is knowing what is real and what is constucted. one of my aims is to realize everything is constructed by me, and thus to control everything. this is why i do things as inocuous as eat dessert or as harmful as walk without any supports: i am often testing my sense of reality. the problem is that my sense of reality often comes up short, and i can only take so many knocks. protecting my brainpan should be my number one priority. but then i may never know what is 'real'--besides, it's boring. it also appeals to me to think that society is constructed to support a false illusion about reality. it helps those in power stay in power--and power is not money or guns, but ultimately it's about knowledge. i may not have access to money or guns, but i may have a twinkling of insight into knowledge. or so i flatter myself. i may be totally out to lunch.

what, then, is the point to all this study, if an indeterminant part of this is unreal? when i read a text--or respond to a text--what part is real and what part is not? is this what insanity is? (is not 'is *like*' but '*is*').

well, if i am insane, i have fulfilled my self-prophecy. and i don't like it. but i can't go back and feign my ignorance, now that i know; but how do i move forward? i ask the same question whenever i go pee.

i think of something, and immediately either there is an answer, with its accompanying solace, or there is a great, crushing anxiety. left to my natural desires, i of course seek the solace. but if i do, doubt plagues my mind--am i lusting after forbiden fruit and taking the easy way out?

one final admission: i am better in print than spoken word.

these disturbances don't help. i'm talking specifically about the guy in bed 3 who keeps me up half the night; this fire alarm;... is my brain grasping at last straws before the finality (seeming finality) of the anullment?

is the anullment to be desired or not? is it even real or not? i want do what is right. i've always wanted to do what is right. but what if there is no right or wrong? what if it's an existential world, and we are indeed creatures of our own decisions, ultimately of our own faith.

or am i just lost? having given up on active rehab but not allowed off this unit, what do i do? right now, if i stay in this room, i'm at the mercy of the television, which right now has an ontario focus on the gm-bankrupcy. i've steered clear of all news of the depression, having gone into the hospital before its official start. i feel overwhelmed. if i return to my bedroom i'm bored. bored beyond death.or is it just monday, and there's a kind of fatalism to the day [why is it 'fatalism' if it's negative, and 'providence' if its positive? does positivity presuppose a belief in a higher power? if one does not believe in a higher power, what does one call 'providence'?][see how i go around?] harold has the tv very loud; it's interrupting my thought. lunch is almost an hour away but i gotta pee.

ok. i've peed and i'm back in the lunchroom. the tv is still on and it's still loud. i think tv-watching has come a long way since bringing the vietnam war into american livingrooms. for one thing, the military has smartened up. for another tv watchers have become insensitive to a degree. why else would horror stories be sandwiched between placid commercials?

when i put it this way, can anyone blame me? and since i don't have a crystal ball, shouldn't i send this to vki immediately?

depression

Saturday, May 30, 2009

i'm fighting the depression of seeing a long shadow get even longer.
i'm casting the shadow.
to get rid of the shadow i need to move out of the light.
but i'm afraid to move.

one thing i'm mindful of is that these depressions are inevitable.
so i should put up and shut up.
the only reason i mention it here is that i promised myself that
i would record my thoughts....

growing confidence

[090529]
i am flouting with increased confidence the edges of this dream, but if i go to the core, i get hurt--for example, falling this morning. i just went to the bathroom with maryjo [the brunette], and while i didn't stand by myself, i did most everything else by myself. otoh, i'm really tired. this is exhausting work.

[mid-afternoon]
is this a huge case of denial? no, i think i'm being realistic. my downfalls: i fell this morning, my left hand still lacks pressure-sensitivity; i can handle so much reality. my pluses: i walked further this morning; i'm typing with two hands; things are generally going my way.

[early evening]
now, i feel this is reality, and my brain is playing tricks on me. see how my thinking does an about-face during the course of the day? what am i going to do?

long pause....

as i did during the abi meeting, 'stay the course,' plan my work, and work my plan. right now i want to plan my work in the cool of the evening. but what i'm going to do is sit tight this weekend, and take my own advice, planning my work and working my plan...

avm in toronto

[090528]
went to t-o with delores and two OPTs. battled unreality much of the way. did not get out of my stretcher, but was shown the exam room while the opts waited. dr.t did not show; some other male, middle-aged dr with 2 interns--a dr. wallace, i think--saw me. he said that there's no reason evident for my cognitive deficits, and that my physical deficits will take a year or more to heal. he checked over all my qqs, and classified the first 2 as cognitive--which he couldn't answer--and the other 4 as physical. he ordered more tests for my ventricles--an mri, i think.

on the way back, i tried to relax and not worry at all. it was hard, though you'd think it wouldn't be hard at all.

god is

god is what god is

we define god based on our experiences

all we can do is thank god, for each day and each opportunity.

reality

this is real.

i may not like parts of it, but it is real.

i may at times choose to ignore it, but reality doesn't go away.

knowing what is real is the first half of the battle. the best is yet to come.

frik 'n' frak

here's a story, told by one of the nurses--

when her son was three-and-a-half, he was playing in the basement with the boy next door. i don't remember their names, but she called them frik 'n' frak. the son came up and headed outside, followed by the boy next door, who asked about the cat in the freezer. the mom ran downstairs and opened the freezer door, and the cat ran out so fast!