the system

this 'system' is all-encompassing. for all i know, it may include these emails. or i might be the only one that is crazy and the system extends as far as i see. what do i do? know reality, says plato's allegory of the cave. know thyself, says socrates. be still, and know that i am god, says the famous poster. an existential approach (paul tillich; john shelby spong) posits that faith alone determines my relationship to the divine. two nights ago i was worried that like the buddhist holyman, i had to have everything sewn up at the moment of death, but now i'm not so sure. otoh, if we're caught forever in our dreams at the moment of death, it woud be good to have a good dream. but is that any better than a lousy reality? are dreams just as real? do i get brownie points for thinking like this?

[later]
this makes less sense the longer i'm here. maybe i see more and pay attention more to things that have less to do with me, and in this way they make less sense. this adds to my feeling of unreality. real or unreal, how can i tell? either way, where does this paranoia come from, that someone is out to prevent me from disovering the truth. is it paranoia, or is it for my own good?