i think i'm insane. this is a relative term, so i think i'm insane compared to the relative sanity of society. of course, i think society is crazed, and i no longer want anything to do with it. society includes you. so why do i bother? first, it's the proper procedure to let my psychologist know where i'm at. second, it's therapeutic for me to write about it. third, i have a dim hope that you can help me. fourth, if no one can help me, this is my way of thumbing my nose at the world. fifth, this is my response to being in rehab for 10 months. paradoxically, my explanations of my insanity hopefully will make my actions seem less insane.
a difficulty in being insane, is knowing what is real and what is constucted. one of my aims is to realize everything is constructed by me, and thus to control everything. this is why i do things as inocuous as eat dessert or as harmful as walk without any supports: i am often testing my sense of reality. the problem is that my sense of reality often comes up short, and i can only take so many knocks. protecting my brainpan should be my number one priority. but then i may never know what is 'real'--besides, it's boring. it also appeals to me to think that society is constructed to support a false illusion about reality. it helps those in power stay in power--and power is not money or guns, but ultimately it's about knowledge. i may not have access to money or guns, but i may have a twinkling of insight into knowledge. or so i flatter myself. i may be totally out to lunch.
what, then, is the point to all this study, if an indeterminant part of this is unreal? when i read a text--or respond to a text--what part is real and what part is not? is this what insanity is? (is not 'is *like*' but '*is*').
well, if i am insane, i have fulfilled my self-prophecy. and i don't like it. but i can't go back and feign my ignorance, now that i know; but how do i move forward? i ask the same question whenever i go pee.
i think of something, and immediately either there is an answer, with its accompanying solace, or there is a great, crushing anxiety. left to my natural desires, i of course seek the solace. but if i do, doubt plagues my mind--am i lusting after forbiden fruit and taking the easy way out?
one final admission: i am better in print than spoken word.
these disturbances don't help. i'm talking specifically about the guy in bed 3 who keeps me up half the night; this fire alarm;... is my brain grasping at last straws before the finality (seeming finality) of the anullment?
is the anullment to be desired or not? is it even real or not? i want do what is right. i've always wanted to do what is right. but what if there is no right or wrong? what if it's an existential world, and we are indeed creatures of our own decisions, ultimately of our own faith.
or am i just lost? having given up on active rehab but not allowed off this unit, what do i do? right now, if i stay in this room, i'm at the mercy of the television, which right now has an ontario focus on the gm-bankrupcy. i've steered clear of all news of the depression, having gone into the hospital before its official start. i feel overwhelmed. if i return to my bedroom i'm bored. bored beyond death.or is it just monday, and there's a kind of fatalism to the day [why is it 'fatalism' if it's negative, and 'providence' if its positive? does positivity presuppose a belief in a higher power? if one does not believe in a higher power, what does one call 'providence'?][see how i go around?] harold has the tv very loud; it's interrupting my thought. lunch is almost an hour away but i gotta pee.
ok. i've peed and i'm back in the lunchroom. the tv is still on and it's still loud. i think tv-watching has come a long way since bringing the vietnam war into american livingrooms. for one thing, the military has smartened up. for another tv watchers have become insensitive to a degree. why else would horror stories be sandwiched between placid commercials?
when i put it this way, can anyone blame me? and since i don't have a crystal ball, shouldn't i send this to vki immediately?
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